“So, how’s school?”

I now anticipate the awkward head scratch and downcast eyes that follow when I respond, “I didn’t go.” I can’t blame them. I had every intention of attending school this fall: pre-med at the University of Pittsburgh. In fact, I announced my plan on several occasions. You might be wondering then, why didn’t I go to college?

As I applied to schools last fall I looked exclusively at pre-med majors and programs. I wanted to be a doctor. I knew this meant many more years of biology and chemistry, and I was excited. The year progressed and I adhered to my plan. I even set up an internship with an OB/GYN for my Senior Project. After spring break I would not return to the classroom, I would spend four weeks immersed in the schedule of a doctor. To anyone considering Senior Project or a similar program I highly encourage them to participate. For some, it reaffirms their decision to pursue a certain career. In my case, I learned I was headed down the completely wrong course of study.

While on Senior Project I studied how to become a doctor while following the schedule of someone who already had. I spent time in the O.R., at multiple clinical offices, and the business office of a medical software company. I was in the room for many procedures and even ‘assisted’ on a delivery. I doubt many people can say they helped deliver a baby before graduating high school, but now I am one of the lucky few. That afternoon I made my first self-discovery; I have no problem with blood and guts and am hugely intrigued by the human body. When we visited the business office, I was drawn to the open layout. The atmosphere was collaborative and inviting, not stiff or cold as I often picture office buildings. Following several interviews with staff members I concluded I someday wanted to be a part of a team, to work with consistently to achieve a shared goal. I did not like how brief the time spent with each patient felt before moving on to the next. I then recognized my need for human interaction and long lasting personal relationships. I see no future of mine in a lab doing research, and I wasn’t sure I saw myself standing solo at the operating table. At the end of my time on Senior Project I witnessed several difficult cases. Watching the families cry caused me to tear up and eventually I realized I could never be the bearer of this bad news while maintaining professional composure. I learned I will have a hard time separating my emotions from any work I do, and therefore do not think the medical field is for me.

In the weeks following graduation I encountered many sleepless nights. I no longer wanted to study medicine, and it was time to figure out what I wanted to do instead. As I read through various programs available at Pitt nothing stuck out. I could do this or I could do that, but I felt no strong draw to any of them. My family encouraged me to take a semester to knock out some of the general education requirements. I took one look at the cost of tuition and said no. If I was going to take gen-eds, why not go to community college for a year? But commuting from home had little appeal, and I found I was losing the motivation to make things work.

Ultimately I concluded the best option was to not go at all. I wanted to be excited for college, not dreading it. I wanted to reignite the curiosity that shaped me into a successful scholar. I wanted to find what made me tick: something so consuming that I could devote a whole life to. And I realized I could not achieve this by doing what was expected of me. I didn’t go to school this year, but after years in the classroom I am taking time to learn instead from the world around me.